Last night was a long night. Since my serving peasant has neglected to provide me with the appropriate gymnasium equipment I had to content myself with some fast circuits training in the hallway. Eventually the serving peasant awoke and put me out in the garden. This was clearly unacceptable behaviour. I shall make note of this in order to ensure they are punished later. However I used my time well and found some small squeaky creatures. My attempts to make their demise fun by juggling with them was poorly received, so I ate them after a mere ten minutes.
Having spent the night defending my territory from usurpers I returned to my palace. One of the serving peasants, the one I ignore, was leaving for the day so I imperiously demanded to be allowed to return inside. Clearly in fear of his life, he stood aside to allow me to enter. On my triumphant return, I found the serving peasant who provides my food, still lying in the bed I so graciously allow them to share with me. I demanded sustenance, but they continued to ignore orders which forced me to sing the song of my people to them, and awake them with razor sharp torture from my mighty claws. Once I was sure they were awake I presented my bottom to them to ensure they knew their place.
The peasant, having been roused from their slothfulness, proceeded to the lower levels of the palace. In order to remind them of the need to provide my food, I continue to stand in close proximity to them. The food providing peasant then shouted “will you get out from under my bloody feet”. Though I am not completely versed in their primitive language I took this as a sign they understood their orders. The large, clumsy, furry creature they refer to as ‘that bloody dog’ was also in the vicinity begging for their food. His food was dispatched unceremoniously into his bowl in order that they could take the appropriate care in preparing mine. Food this morning consisted of the dry material they refer to as kibble.
Naturally this is beneath me, but in the absence of the feast I am entitled to upon my triumphant return from defending the garden from the poorer specimens of my species, I will graze upon it, but with the appropriate disdain. Having been outside with access to the garden all night, I will relieve myself in the litter tray so the peasants can remove it. I think it might be a particularly foul smelling one.
Having sufficiently filled my stomach I retired to my bed to find the peasant who slept in it last night had not made it. I shall pay them for being late to do so, by shedding some of my hair upon it to remind them of their proper place next time they lie in it. And now to sleep.
Having rested myself enough to sustain me for two hours I am going to survey my kingdom, and so descend to the lower levels of the palace. The peasants have provided me with the means to sharpen the weapons attached to my paws so I take some time to ensure they are kept honed to a sharp point. I am in need of removing a hairball from my throat. Luckily the peasants have left their slippers nearby.
I take up residence upon the sofa. I naturally maintain my position at the top but have graciously allowed the serving peasants to sit below me. From my defensive position I can watch my kingdom. Beneath me I can see the winged creatures, scrabbling the ground for the worms and grubs they fill their stomachs with, since they are not worthy to have their own peasants. Watching them makes me hungry ,so I call to them to present themselves to me, but to my disgust not one of them listens to my demands.
They will regret this when I return to the battlefield later and feast upon them for their disobedience. The dog creature is following the peasants around the house. He seems to be hoping they will provide him with further food, as I have permitted them to eat now that my bowl is full. The poor stupid creature seems unaware of his status in my palace.
It is time to sleep again. I will maintain my position at the window in the hopes one of the winged creatures will return, but whilst remaining vigilant I am allowing myself to sleep in my vantage point. The peasants occasionally run their great apelike hands over my head and body in the motions they refer to as stroking. This is not entirely unpleasant, however they are not repaying the fact I am allowing this, with an offering of food. Since this is unacceptable I shall treat them with the disdain they deserve. The peasants have taken the village idiot Dog for a walk since he cannot be trusted to leave the palace alone due to his lack of intelligence. At some point while he is gone I think I will crap in his bed.
It is time for my daily yoga. I work myself through a series of stretches so that I remain limber enough to defend the kingdom when required. Having descended to the peasants portion of the sofa, they once again attempt the stroking routine. I decide to humour their attempts to appease me and lie on my side so they may touch my luxurious fur with reverence. As usual they attempt to touch the softest fur on my stomach. It seems to be a source of worship for them. I have decided this is a step too far so I torture them with my weapons. However, I am strangely missing the stroking of my stomach fur, so I alternate the claw punishment with biting and licking their skin in order to keep them wary of my glorious might but still worshipping my soft belly fur.
The peasants seem to have finished the things they call work and school. During the time they spend doing this I like to remind them of my presence by standing upon the things they are pressing with their fingers. I also rub my face around the screen they stare at, in order to mark it with my smell and therefore make it my property, just as everything else in my palace is. Their shouts of delight and thanks when I do this make it worth my time.
The peasant who does not feed me returns from his quest. He makes himself a drink and leaves it upon the table. At this point I am reminded of the fact they are still owed punishment for their actions last night, so I swipe the mug from the table. They respond with the appropriate levels of distress. I am now going to spend some time ignoring them so they remember their place. However, in order for them to know I am ignoring them I will sit in front of them so they can watch me ignore them. This is a punishment reflecting my complete domination of them.
I am once again in need of rest and will return once more to my bed on the upper levels of the palace. This time it has been prepared properly for me by the serving peasant who did so earlier in the day whilst they ensured my palace was properly clean. I ensure I am also clean by licking myself thoroughly. I reserve the cleaning of my personal areas until a peasant is in sight, before presenting it to them to remind them of my beauty. Following this routine I will once again rest myself, for a day of sleeping and dominating the peasants and winged creatures of the kingdom with complete tyranny can be somewhat tiring.
It is time for the peasants to once again provide me with a feast. They all seem to be clustered in front of the device they refer to as a teevee, a clever item that seems to keep them hypnotised between their serving duties. I issue my demands, following it up with some headbutts and sharpening my weapons upon their thighs as I walk across them all. Once I am satisfied with how they have laid out my food I follow them to their toileting area to ensure they do not make an escape. To be totally sure of this I sit between their feet on the clothing they have left between their legs, pinning them down to restrict their attempts to escape. Once they have finished their toilet – a disgusting primitive routine by the way – they use the device which removes their toilet. This is in order that no other human can pass by and sniff it, believing this room to be their territory and not mine. I will perform my usual health and safety routine by watching it being swept away.
The small peasants are dispatched to the upper areas of the palace, to the servants quarters that I have assigned to them. The large peasants shut their doors in order to prevent them escaping. It is now time for my personal peasant to go to bed, however she seems unaware of the fact. I require her to act as a mattress for me, but she has once again been hypnotised by the teevee device. I will position myself on the sofa and glare at her until she realises her error. She continues to leave the teevee room periodically, but seems to end up heading for the scullery where my food is provided, whilst I wait on the stairs and demand her to retire to my room. The creature known as Dog continues to provide his village idiot duties, and truly believes the humans will grant him additional food.
The peasants rebellion has been stopped, and she heads for my room to make herself into a comfortable shape for me to sleep on. I will now lay in quiet dignity upon her and treat her to some of my purring. However, if her toes move under the duvet they will be PUNISHED.
It is time to exercise.
I am once again sent out into the night by the hairy peasant, to hunt and make the kingdom mine once more.
Footnote from a peasant. If you feel you can recognise your own tyrant from this short glimpse into their life please feel free to give me a star rating below and subscribe to email alerts when more blogs are published.